A Guilt Trip
by Tigerlilly2063
Summary: Every wall can be broken – you just need the right one to do it… [PRESLASH] [ONESHOT]


Summary: Every wall can be broken - you just need the right one to do it... 

Note: SLASH When you don't know what it is or you don't like it - get away!  
Season three, somewhere in between _Forever in a Day_

Disclaimer: I don't own them (unfortunately) - just borrowing for a little fun. ;)

Inspired by the January-pic of the LJ-comm picfic. And special thanks to claudiasharon for beta-reading.

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**A Guilt Trip**

Everybody thinks of him as the sensitive one. So it isn't a surprise that his teammates are looking a bit worried when he gets moody and argumentative after Teal'c killed Amonet, thus killing Sha're.

After a while he has forgiven his Jaffa friend and they probably think that all his pent-up anger against the Goa'uld and especially Apophis is now coming to the fore. At least that's what he has heard when he came along the infirmary one day, overhearing a talk between Sam and Janet. Little did they know...

Weeks go by and he gets more and more frustrated. He knows that it isn't fair to his team but he can't help it. He's angry with himself for not mourning as much as his wife has deserved. He's frightened of his own thoughts and feelings, not knowing what he can do to suppress his relief about not having to be faithful to someone who doesn't even really exist anymore. He's free and he's scared that he can even feel some kind of happiness besides the pain of losing someone he has once loved.

If he's honest with himself he's glad that he doesn't have to go back to Abydos for longer than a few days anymore. Sure, he loved Sha're and her family. And it was a great adventure to explore the halls and corridors deep inside the pyramid. But they aren't the culture he grew up with. Not many people know him that well but he really likes the amenities of the modern world. Though he has always been happy to go on a dig, he has been much more relieved when he got back to his little apartment, as shabby as it may have been during his days at the institute.

And on top of that he has dreaded for a while now that he would have to choose between his team, which he considers his family now, and his wife if they ever got the chance to rescue her. So Sha're being dead means that he doesn't have to face this decision anymore, that he is free to do with his life whatever he wants.

But of course he can't tell any of his teammates about his inner turmoil. He doesn't really think they would understand. It would seem to them like betrayal and in some way it's true, but he doesn't care. Not anymore, now that she is dead and nothing will ever be the same.

But keeping everything to himself doesn't help him get over his anger for being selfish, knowing deep down that his wife deserves a better goodbye. But as much as he tries, he can't find himself being able to mourn her properly.

He knows that it can't go on like this forever, that at some point his teammates won't allow him anymore to be such a pain in the neck. Sure, they are understanding and supportive, but he can't act like this forever, even he is aware of that.

Therefore it has been quite predictable, albeit only a matter of time, that one Friday evening his best friend and commanding officer (even though he isn't sure which one Jack rather is at that moment) stands in front of his door, demanding to get some answers then and there.

"So... care to tell me what this is all about?" his friend snarls. He doesn't even make the attempt of a greeting or a sensitive approach. Going like a bull at a gate – typical Jack – which always annoys the hell out of him.

He doesn't know how to handle the situation, feeling edgy and cornered, not prepared to face the interrogation-like questions. But he also knows that Jack will not leave his apartment before he has some answers.

"I don't know what you mean," he replies sharply, trying to shut the door right in Jack's face and get away from him. But Jack is just too fast for him and before he can really grasp what's going on he's pinned against the wall, the firm grip on his shoulders telling him that he's got no chance to escape this time. With a loud click the door closes shut as if to emphasize Jack's actions, sealing his fate.

"You know very well what I mean. What's all this shit with you lately, walking around like some complete jerk?" With that Jack takes a few steps back, thinking that giving him his personal space back could get him a bit more cooperative.

But he still doesn't feel like sharing his thoughts, even though Jack is probably the only person he trusts in completely. On the other hand he doesn't want to let his friend down, to show Jack this side of him which he can't even understand himself completely. So he tries his best to give Jack some evasive answers, anything he can think of which could be at least a bit believable – too much work, not enough sleep, and thoughts of what he wants to do with his future now that his reason for joining SG-1 in the first place isn't driving him anymore. Everything remotely true, but not really the reason for his fidgetiness and short temper.

And Jack of course doesn't buy any of it, like he never does. He has always been able to see through his smoke screen, since the very first days. Which makes this friendship to him so special and that's why he's afraid. He doesn't want Jack to think poorly of him. Deep down inside of him there's a small voice trying to tell him that he could never do anything that would make Jack think less of him, but it's hard to believe when you don't like yourself anymore.

"What does it concern you what mood I'm in?" he crosses his arms and glares petulantly at his opponent. He feels trapped, realizing that nothing is helping to keep Jack off his track, getting angry seemingly the only way out. "Mind your own business," he yells while turning to leave the room. But Jack makes it clear quickly that it is very well his business, him being a member of his team. Which makes him only more furious and suddenly he grabs something nearest which happens to be the glass of wine he had poured himself just before Jack came over to visit him and throws it at the wall directly behind him, crashing the crystal into thousand pieces and staining the wallpaper a deep red.

And suddenly everything's quiet. No, yelling, no arguments, no harsh words. He breathes heavily, as if he has run several miles to escape a Jaffa troop on his trail. He can practically hear the adrenaline rushing through his veins, making his heart pump faster and faster. How could he let himself go so easily, losing control only because Jack cares?

That's when it hits him – Jack cares.

It's as if he has never known it and it overwhelms him, waves of emotions running through him and he tries to grasp the meaning behind it. He blinks once, twice, and Jack gets this worried expression, knowing that he has missed something between the lines.

Then everything becomes clear and he understands that Jack might be his only way out of this, his only chance to start a new life and get over his grief and guilt. With accepting his help he could finally be able to live, do as he pleased and not be just the geek, the husband or whatever else he was during the last few years, only not really himself.

While this all is sinking in he lets himself fall against the wall, suddenly too tired to stand, slumping down on the floor, giving in to his defeat.

"Daniel?" The quiet spoken word startles him and when he looks up again he sees his friend's warm brown eyes just a few inches away from him. He hadn't noticed his friend sitting down beside him. His gaze is full of concern and nothing of the earlier harshness is left in his voice.

He feels Jack's hand coming up to his neck, squeezing it in a reassuring manner. "You know you can tell me whatever bothers you." And that is all it takes to let him spill out all that is on his mind, everything comes out in a rush and he feels as if a dam is broken, nothing being able to stop the words coming from the depths of his mind.

It's relieving but painful at the same time, as if he has to relive everything again just because he speaks it out loud. That's the reason he has avoided talking to his friends, especially Jack. He has known it would eventually come to the point when he couldn't hold back any longer. But now it's too late – once he has taken the last step there's no turning back. He just can't stop himself anymore from telling everything.

Jack doesn't say a single word while he speaks of his guilt and his fears, his desires. But when he's finished there comes a strong arm around him and he feels himself pulled into a hug. Suddenly the stress falls off of him as if nothing has ever been so easy and he finally begins to calm down. Only Jack can do this to him.

He's safe now. He just realizes now that Jack is also the only one he feels safe with, solely he dares to touch him like that. It has never been on purpose but he always shies away from people. The only person being persistent enough to get through his defenses sits now beside him, holding him like he exactly knows what he needs. Likely he does.

They sit for a while like that, holding each other as if the world around them doesn't exist. He suddenly remembers a situation similar to this, when he had been addicted and Jack had been the only one to get through to him, getting him back to reality.

He loosens the embrace to look at his friend's face, albeit not really letting go. "Why?"

It's not as if they need many words. Their friendship has long ago gotten to the point where they can communicate without speech and Jack understands perfectly.

"Because I love you." A fleeting kiss against his temple, not implicating anything but saying more than a thousand words.

It's so simple and doesn't need any further clarification. He just nods and leans again into the arms surrounding him.

He knows now that everything will be alright.

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Notes: Feedback is much appreciated. 


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